The statistics related to caregiver burnout do not lie. According to a 2021 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, nearly 1 in 4 U.S. adults are part of the sandwich generation. This means caregivers are literally “sandwiched” between caring for their own nuclear families as well as their extended ones. This mostly refers to the care of an aging loved one, often a parent, while caring for spouses and children while working. Let’s agree on that fact that it takes two incomes to live affordably. It’s hard enough just being a spouse, let alone parenting responsibility. No one ever signs up to be a spouse and a parent and a caregiver for an aging loved one. The task of caring for others in this regard leaves little or no time for self-care. And that’s the issue my friend. Self-care.
Emotional stress that accompanies caring for an adult loved one is something that more than a third of family caregivers report. Four in 10 caregivers rarely or never feel relaxed according to a finding by the A.A.R.P. in 2023. The truth is, when a caregiver gets overextended- and they certainly do, they become immobilized by exhaustion and fatigue, in addition to feeling completely stressed out and unable to return to a prior level of social engaging or even returning to former hobbies and chores. Desire is blocked by uncertainty, doubt, confusion and the worst of all- guilt. Needless to say, there are many statistics to rack up here in this article, but rather, let’s review the issue more intently and rediscover ways in which caregivers can utilize the one thing that gets left behind in the struggle to care for others. Self-care.
Let’s imagine we were to take on the task of building the world’s most beautiful house. It’s your house, so bring whatever beauty plans desired to the blueprint. Although this house is fictitious in nature it is a good visualization or object lesson to remind us that our life, being the beautiful journey that it is, gets cluttered at times. Think of this house you are imagining right now as your life. See your entire life as this amazing journey. You are building it. And as they say, you build it, they will come. Who can help you build your house- or your journey in real time. Sometimes the obstacles along the paths of caring for others are endless or too huge to comprehend. Caregivers can get lost either in creating or rebuilding new paths along the journey of life, or they lose sight of the reality that all parts of life are always changing as we humans are equipped with adaptation tools. The one tool again, is self-care.
Now, see your lifetime as the great big, wonderful journey that it is (not-so-much as it was) today. Living for today is the number one goal I recommend for all caregivers, and the best tool in a carer’s toolbox is self-confidence this side of heaven. Self-care is all about seeing yourself where you are right now and taking stock of the fact that you are able to improvise and adapt and overcome as any soldier in the battlefield must. And when you are a caregiver, you bethcha, you are in for a fight you never imagined. It may sound like mind over matter or faith over fear, but truth always plays out when in doubt. Doubt is a dead end that leads nowhere. Many caregivers give up and give in to fear and doubt, as do others battling stress, because sometimes, life gets to be like a chaotic climb and sometimes caregivers, also referred to as carers are overcome or just simply put, very battle weary. Self-care comes to mind when life gets tough, and the tough get going. But how. Again, self-care.
Okay, so by now, you are saying in your mind… “How do we overcome such adversity as not having enough helpers to help or doctors who really listen, or healthcare workers who really care or enough dollars to pay for helpers/helps and so on and so forth?” Good questions. Real ones, I might add. Every carer has a toolbox to assess each situation in a problem-solving manner. Some caregivers see it, and some do not. I am talking to caregivers today who care enough to find that toolbox. It’s agreeing to the search in and of itself that changes everything! I love that old wise saying by Tao, in that every journey starts with one step, and then another. Or like the brave soldier who knows that it is “One boot in front of the other…” Self-care is the tool in every human’s toolbox that gets overlooked or underused.
As much as I prefer not to mention such opposition to self-care as denial, anger, withdrawal or guilt, it is wise to see what caregivers are really up against. All else is basically “stuff” in the way. Although the problems in our current elder care landscape are not the best as they can be, and they are not, a caregiver can still muster up enough faith as to take one day at a time or one step at a time and gather their senses long enough to evaluate the self-first. Change direction. Perception. That’s the first step to change. I have heard this all too often in recovery clinics and by mental health professionals for those poor souls fighting addictions or mental illness. The pain of life can get overwhelming. And being a caregiver can bring out such comfort seeking or addictive behaviors, but in a very subtle form of opposing self-such as guilt and shame or doubt, etc. This is where self-care comes to the rescue. I digress here. As a caregiver we must face such truths, and facing truth takes courage.
Self-care is mostly about self-awareness or what many psychologists and counselors refer to as mindfulness (you can do a day’s search on that topic alone). But when it comes to self-care sort of mindfulness, it’s mindful that your mind MUST pertain to self and not so much the circumstance that you are in. Mindfulness in self-care starts with asking yourself what you think, who you really are, what you know or what do you think or know, and especially assessing how you FEEL. Step back before attacking obstacles- if you can. Assess everything. Stress has a way of impairing our normal way of seeing what or how things really are. Always re-assess, not the same as second guessing. Never second guess yourself. Practice right assessment techniques and self-confidence. I like to help caregivers try to get back the sense of self as to how they see themselves as conquerors…
Self-care starts when someone, a caregiver in this case, starts to see themselves in a victory role as the right and only outcome. This is a visualization technique that actually has a high success rate I would imagine since actualization follows visualization of best outcomes when it comes to practicing something new. Have you tried anything new? Sure, you have. And you either succeeded or you failed. In caregiving, failure is not an option. And when it is, fate remains. Fate is a powerful thing to embrace but it’s truth. True- all things have their end. It’s the means in which we get there that matters. Carers can either be empowered or overpowered, and I am suggesting that self-empowerment be manifested by whatever faith or belief one has in themselves to overcome by self-evaluation and facing the truth. Seeing the big picture is that way I approach caregiver counseling. Self-care says to the self (yes, talk to your brain, if you will) how important it is to care for self before caring for others. This means by way of nutrition, hydration, activity-rest balance, social engagement, spiritual growth, industriousness, or other self-promoting ideas that come to a particular person. As long as the self-promotion is reasonable to achieve and can encompass baby-steps to initiate.
Self-care promotes well-being and well-being promotes doing well in whatever a person must do such as being a caregiver. It takes gusto to start a new way of life. Going to gym to workout, or learning to take walks, or even lay off too much sugar or fatty foods. Whatever the first simple goals to self-care are for any individual, self-care is the best personal tool, and it begins with a change of heart. When the road of life gets tough, the tough get going. Find the right tool to start the new first step. Start with self. Self-care is there to help! It can’t hurt! And it’s a New Year, so what a great time to start with a new heart. A new or RE-newed self! Start with self-awareness and be honest with yourself. What would you tell someone else in your shoes? Ask yourself:
- What will it take to get through this day?
- What are the three most urgent matters of importance?
- Who can help? Pray for the courage to ask others for help!
- What is the first step in solving one (1) issue today that I have put off?
- What will I do to start my first baby step to self care today and stick with it?
- Do I need an accountability partner to help me in my self care routine?
- How do I begin to enlist any and every one who ever says they really do care?
- What will it take for me to be way more intentional than I am?
- Am I in denial about not caring for myself?
- Do I need to talk to my doctor about the healthcare risks of caregiving?
Dawn Elledge, Geriatric Care Manager 